Leading figures from each of our five West Midlands football clubs have agreed to answer the questions of Row Z readers.*
 This week it's the turn of Pierre van Hooijdonk - supposedly a transfer target for Blues - to take his place in the hotseat: Hi Pierre! What's the story? Are you signing for Blues? Sally, Birmingham PvH: Let's get one thing straight before we get started. How much am I getting paid for this? Row Z: Er, nothing. PvH: Right... well in that case.... RZ: Pierre? PvH: ... RZ: Hullo? PvH: ... Sally: Aren't you going to answer my question? PvH: Umm, yes, of course I am. Birmingham City are a big club but I don't know if I'll be playing for them yet. What has been the highlight of your career to date? Was it winning the UEFA Cup with Feyernoord? Or scoring 30 goals in a season for Celtic? Or was it something else? Andy, Marston Green PvH: It was the first one you said. I watch a lot of European football and I believe you are one the best dead-ball specialists in the world. How did you nurture that talent? Tom, Gravely Hill PvH: It's like Roy Castle said, 'dedication's what you need'. Tom: Roy Castle? Hang on a minute! Pierre van Hooijdonk's not there at all is he? He b****** off when you said he wasn't getting paid and you've made the rest of this up, haven't you? PvH: No. Tom: Yes you have, admit it! PvH: No I haven't. I'm still here. Tom: Well if it's really you, Pierre, you'll be able to answer some basic questions about yourself, won't you? PvH: ... yes. Tom: Okay, where were you born? PvH: Holland. Tom: Where in Holland? PvH: A hospital. Tom: Which hospital? PvH: Er... Dick van Dyke General. Tom: YOU'VE MADE THAT UP! PvH: No I haven't. Tom: Okay, what's your middle name then 'Pierre'? PvH: 'Van', obviously. Tom: Ooooohhh, I give up! This is just too stupid for words. PvH: Has he gone? I'd just like to say Row Z is the best sports fanzine I have ever read. In Holland, Row Z is bigger than the Beatles. Every day, people all round the country huddle round computer monitors to catch up on all the hilarious articles. I remember one time I was on international duty with Holland and Patrick Kluivert said to me, 'You know, Pierre, I just can't read Row Z any more. Every time I do I end up wetting myse'- PvH's Agent: Stop this rubbish RIGHT NOW! Row Z: Unforunately, that's all we've got time for. Thank you, Pierre van Hooijdonk. PvHA: Leave it.
* Or, to put it another way, no they haven't. We've made the whole thing up. | 
Row Z 
