There may not be a party like an S Club party, but a Eurovision Song Contest gathering runs it pretty close. And what better way of enduring hours and hours of dizzy Euro-pop and turgid eco-ballads than by drinking heavily? Heavily, but in moderation, of course. For the ultimate in Eurotainment, you're going to need to bring up Ceefax page 888 to squeeze every last drop of pleasure and meaning from the contestants' lyrics. Then simply get in sufficient quantities of alcohol to keep everyone topped up and ready to play the Eurovision Drinking Game. ONE FINGER SHALL BE DRUNK WHEN... Terry Wogan mentions: a) Ken Bruce.
b) The size of a female singer's chest.
c) That the voting is rigged along national lines (eg France hate the UK, Germany love Turkey etc).
d) Any of the words ample, eejit, whiskers or frock NB: Any combination of these words used in the same sentence requires a two-finger drink.
e) Ireland's many victories.
f) The UK's nul points performance from last year. Any song title has an exclamation mark. Any band has a female drummer. Any skirt above the mid-thigh is worn. A smiling child is pictured on the introductory video for each band/country. TWO FINGERS SHALL BE DRUNK WHEN... Any of the following instruments are played: a) A bizarre national instrument whose name escapes you
b) A fretless bass guitar
c) A keyboard worn as a guitar
d) Hexagonal syn-drums
e) A white electric violin A comedy top hat is worn. The conductor has a beard. The final chorus of a song goes up one octave. Satellite delays lead to presenter and national jurist talking over each other. National jurist compliments female presenter on her appearance. National jurist thanks Turkey for a great show. THREE FINGERS SHALL BE DRUNK WHEN... An artist in the green room is filmed on his/her mobile phone during the voting. A female contestant smiles and waves at the camera during the introductory video for each band/country. An artist (male or female) sports a porn star moustache (see picture).
 The crowd whoops at an on-stage gimmick (such as the Bucks Fizz skirt trick). The UK receives 12 points from a jurist. AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS SHALL BE DRUNK WHEN... Scenes from the film Midnight Express are used in the introductory video for Turkey. | 
