The Eurovision Song Contest. Why?
Why not? Why not what?
Let's put it this way: 600 million people can't be wrong. 600 million? But I don't know anybody who actually watches it.
Ahh but no-one ever admitted voting for Margaret Thatcher either, did they?
 Margaret Thatcher? When did she enter?
No no no, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here. And how did she do?
Stop it now. Sorry. But the UK are quite good at Eurovision, aren't they?
They've won it five times and come second another 15 times. Blimey. Is that the best record?
Nope. Ireland are seven-times winners, including four victories in the 90s. So what's the key to Eurovision success?
Difficult to say, although scantily-clad blondes seem to do well, as do songs including border-busting phrases such as 'Na na na', 'La la la' 'Ding ding ding' and 'Binge bong, binge bong'. Then again, the rules have often forced competitors to sing in their native tongue. Rules? Are there really rules?
Loads of them. No song more than three minutes long. No more than six people in an act. Drum kits and/or grand pianos only allowed on stage if a prior written request is made to the host broadcaster. I could go on. Feel free.
Okay, I will: As a condition for participating in the Contest Final, and with the purpose of promoting the Eurovision Song Contest and the participating authors and artists as extensively as possible to an international audience, each Participating Broadcaster must ensure that the songwriter(s), composer(s), artist(s) and any other possible rightowner(s) of the selected song are prepared to grant the following transferable rights (unless permission to use any such rights is obtained from a collecting society): to broadcast the performance of the song at the 2004 Contest Final, in the widest sense of the term (the technical method of signal delivery and the form of the signal display, such as large screens or video walls, being irrelevant), covering both live and deferred transmission, in whole or in part, for both private and public reception, and an unlimited number of times. It is understood that the exercise of these rights also allows the live or deferred Internet/wireless transmission of the Contest Final, in whole or in part, or otherwise making available (on-demand use) of the live performance of the song at the Contest Final, via the Internet and/or wireless technology. Boring.
Well you asked for it. Anything else?
Would you like to hear about this year's UK entry? Aren't I meant to be asking the questions?
I dunno, are you? Yes.
So? So what?
So do you want to hear about this year's UK entry? Okay.
Fine. He's a former Fame Academy student called James Fox. He's 27, from South Wales, and his song is a ballady type of thing called Hold On To Our Love.
 Any good?
Yes. In so far as any Eurovision entry can be termed 'good'. Abba's was good.
And so was Gina G's 'Ooh, ahh, just a little bit' and that only finished eighth. EIGHTH!!! That was a scandal. Not as scandalous as our hopelessly out of tune nul-pointer from last year.
No, you're right. So who's going to win then?
Perm one from 24. It really could be anyone. Anyone but Margaret Thatcher.
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