If you watch the Eurovision Song Contest with a burning sense of certainty that you could do it better than, say, Jemini (not hard) or Dana International (requires major surgery), then this quiz is for you. If you sit there in a stupor and couldn't give a monkey's about the acts on show, then this quiz is also for you. Just not as much. Simply answer the multiple choice questions below to find out if you could cut the mustard on the Euro stage. Personal 1) Do you possess any irony?
a) Yeh, right
b) A touch here and there
c) No 2) Life is... a) A vale of tears
b) A minestrone
c) For living. Whoo! Yeh! Let's pardee! 3) What is your main goal in life? a) To make enough money to buy a remote paradise island patrolled by armed guards who will shoot uninvited guests on sight
b) To live happily and healthily for as long as the good Lord gives me
c) To bring about world peace through my music 4) Have you ever owned/do you currently own any of the following? Orange dungarees with yellow and blue knee patches, a jump suit of any kind, a thin leather piano keyboard tie, huge platform shoes, huge earrings, huge perm 5) What are the four most beautiful words in the world? a) I Love You Darling
b) No no, I'll pay
c) Royaume Uni, douze points 6) What single thing will bring an end to international terrorism? a) Resolve
b) Vigilance
c) Power ballads 7) What do you look for in a man? a) Kind eyes
b) Major packet
c) Glittery mullet 8) What do you look for in a woman? a) Beautiful face
b) Major cup size
c) Glittery mullet Entertainment 9) Who is the world's greatest composer? a) Mozart
b) Beethoven
c) Hazelhurst 10) And the world's greatest singer? a) Luciano Pavarotti
b) Maria Callas
c) Samantha Janus 11) And the world's greatest song? a) Happy Birthday To You - Hill/Hill
b) Yesterday - Lennon/McCartney
c) Neighbours (theme) - Hatch/Trent 12) And the world's greatest tv moment? a) Moon landing
b) Princess Diana's funeral
c) Eggs and Baker History 13) What moment defined the sixties? a) JFK's shooting
b) The moon landing
c) Sandie Shaw singing Puppet On A String barefoot 14) The seventies? a) The Watergate scandal
b) The Cod War
c) The Brotherhood of Man 15) The eighties? a) Margaret Thatcher
b) Mikael Gorbachev
c) Johnny Logan 16) And the nineties? a) Clinton/Lewinsky
b) Posh/Becks
c) Katrina/Waves 17) What was the world's worst disaster? a) The Black Death
b) 9/11
c) Bucks Fizz coach crash 18) Who was the greatest Briton of the last century? a) Winston Churchill
b) William Shakespeare
c) Sonia Miscellaneous 19) What are your views on gender re-assignment? a) An abomination in the eyes of the Lord
b) Should be up to the individual
c) Bloody painful, but ultimately worth it 20) Complete the following phrase: Ooh, ah... a) Cantona
b) Daily Star
c) Just a little bit 21) What invention/discovery has most helped humanity? a) Penicillin
b) Innoculation
c) The hexagonal syn-drum 22) Are you prepared to make an arse of yourself in front of 600 million people for little or no reward? a) No I'm bloody not
b) Maybe, who's asking?
c) Of course. Whoo! Yeh! Let's pardee! If you answered mainly a)... Those who can, do. Those who can't, watch. Stick to the couch. Which you probably do, the amount of time you spend there. If you answered mainly b)... You're at a crossroads. With the right attitude and application you could really make something of yourself and of your life. But you're not sure. You may even be a little frightened. Whatever happens, make sure you don't wake up in ten years time with 'What If' going round and round in your mind. Seize the day or cease the dream. It's up to you. If you answered mainly c)... You have no self-awareness, shame or taste. You're almost there. All you need now is a little bit of luck.
And a song. Don't forget the song. BONUS QUIZ! Name that song: The single XXXX is a slice of pure, infectious, disco-driven pop which will undoubtedly become a future pop anthem. Its big, hook-laden chorus, universally understandable lyrics and powerful vocals give it the impact to put it right up there with the best of the new millennium's pop tracks. Name that band: XXXX redefined the public's expectations of a 'boy/girl' band - with exciting dance routines and regular visual image changes. Think - 'Steps' crossed with 'Liberty X', twenty years before their time! They were winners of several Public Popularity and Music Industry Awards. At the height of this success, one could hardly pick up a magazine, or read a newspaper without encountering XXXX. World Tours enhanced their popularity, they even appeared in their own weekly comic strip! XXXX produced a dynamic new stage show which shocked and impressed even their most ardent fans, reinforcing their status as one of the world's top live bands. The group made some exciting changes, whilst retaining and refreshing the essential hits - in a show which continued to evolve. Name the fromer contestant(s) who: a) Once set fire to the curtains of their Cannes hotel room?
b) Once played Scrabble against the world champion - and won!
c) Once sang a song (to the tune of Money, Money, Money) entitled Mon nez, mon nez, mon nez (My nose etc etc) in an Abba-inspired musical called Abracadabra? ANSWERS: Song: Yes, that's Cry Baby by Jemini - the UK's one and only nul pointer from last year. Band: Erm, it's Bucks Fizz. Contestant: a) Plastic Bertrand
b) Plastic Bertrand
c) Plastic Bertrand Plastic, who is Belgian, represented Luxembourg in 1987, singing Amour, amour. The first two lines were: 'Amour, amour, give me a ring, you smashing thing. Amour, amour, you are the champ, I'm just a stamp'. He came second last. | 
